I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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