drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
