so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
