I just pynch a tree in the face
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
