If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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