is your mom at the bar?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
