He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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