There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
