i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
