we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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