I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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