Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
