Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
