it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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