i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I don't deserve a penis
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
