Can i not drive my cunt home
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
