just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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