Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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