My hand turned me down
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
