my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
