I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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