He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
this must be what syphilis tastes like
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
