I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
