You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
