oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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