I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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