I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
