I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
