Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
