Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
