i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
