I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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