she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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