Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I will die if light touches me.
i was born a porn star she said
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
