Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
