Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
