Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
as a side note pls kill me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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