Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
