don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
