If i come over, it means nothing
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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