i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
