She said her name was "party"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
