So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
