I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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