so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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