Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
