You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
