i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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