this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
there was a trapeze. enough said
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
