my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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