My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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