So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
This baby is an asshole
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
