you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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